Lifestyle - Family

I am blessed with a very bright four year old son named Valor. We never spoke to Valor like a baby, and as a result he began speaking pretty maturely at a very young age. Don't take that as meaning we didn't let him enjoy being a goofy toddler. Val has a blast, he's just very smart and he speaks so well it's a little disarming for some people.

Val looks just like his dad, but he has his mom's ice blue eyes. As if it wasn't enough to love your child I am really head over heels for the boy. One, he's fantastic, and two, every time I look in his eyes I see his mom, who I love very much.

Val and I have developed a kind of language of our own. Everything is based on English, but we have created some unusual idioms of our own that have entered and stayed in our repertoire. Here are some of Valor's contributions to our vocabulary. Some of them were inspired by me, some were simple mispronunciations, but honestly some of this stuff I have no idea where he came up with it.

• Holdee Holdee was how Val let you know he wanted to be picked up when he was very little. Nothing spectacular or unusual about "holdee", but damn it was cute. I had forgotten all about "holdee" until I sat down to write this. See how our memory betrays us?

• Fresh and life Man, I have no idea where this came from. Val started saying "fresh and life" when he was about two years old. The proper use of fresh and life is to express complacence or satisfaction, as in; Me "Vali, how is your chocolate milk, buddy?" Val "Fresh and life!". Food or drink does have to be involved in the situation for fresh and life to get used, and it has to be some kind of treat. He wouldn't use it for mac n cheese or a hot dog. Maybe a juice box. For sure a popsicle. Fresh and life!

• Homo Val has a big brother Nate who is 12 years older than he is who he adores. Nate has a friend named Holden, and Val never could manage saying Holden. Instead "Homo" is what came out. It stuck immediately, and to this day the whole family calls Holden "Homo".

• Cannett Ball! This is what Val says before he leaps through the air at you. Easy to figure out the origin, but cute nonetheless.

• Manly Toshiba Uh, let me explain. We spend about 30 minutes or so in bed with Val every night at bed time. At first I just wanted to make sure we were reading to him every day so that he would be interested in reading. Just as important though it was a nice, snuggly quiet time spent with my baby boy at the end of the day. As Val got older he came to really enjoy what we initially referred to as "Manly snugglins", and would go upstairs with me for a while even if it was just me wanting to take a power nap in the afternoon. I never minded, as I love my son and I recognize that one day he won't want anything to do with me for a few years and welcome the affection while I can get it. "Manly snugglins" somehow evolved into "Manly Toshiba". I have no idea. "Manly Toshiba" is more of a WWE-like event, with tickling, punches, Cannett Balls!, holds, and pinches. This degenerates into the traditional "Manly snugglins" after injuries have been sustained, or we're just plain winded.

• I snubbish you! I don't know how love got replaced with snubbish, but there it is.

• Dop dicklin' me! Val has always had a tough time with "st" sounds. Dop dicklin' me! is an integral part of Manly Toshiba. This would probably sound very wrong to someone standing outside the bedroom door who was unfamiliar with Manly Toshiba. Val actually can say "stop ticklin' me", and he switches to it after I have mocked him by repeating Dop dicklin' me! about a dozen times.

• Arch enemies That is how you say brother.

• The dirty, bloody butthole of doom Don't you dare tell grandma about the dirty, bloody butthole of doom! Sometimes you have to let your child feel more like a friend, more like they are older than they are. Like you share special confidences that no one else can understand. I think this started one night during Manly Toshiba when Val was complaining how much he hated his Arch Enemy. Of course, nothing could be further from the truth. Val adores his Arch Enemy, but you can't just say that and still be cool. So I think engaging in this conversation with him during Manly Toshiba I may have suggested that we sneak into Nate's room while he was asleep, pull our pants down and squat right over his head, pull our butt cheeks apart, and then start screaming at the top of our lungs. This maneuver was to be codenamed the dirty, bloody butthole of doom. This, of course, sent my four year old son spiraling into an uncontrollable fit of laughter as he visualized the dirty, bloody butthole of doom. My wife, upon finding out about the dirty, bloody butthole of doom may have hit me. I don't remember. Incidentally, the dirty, bloody butthole of doom has never actually been executed. It is the subject of much discussion and laughter, but it is being held in reserve for actual use in case of extreme circumstances. Much like nuclear weapons.

I don't get people who don't like kids. I really don't get people who could harm a child in any way. The only thing in life that I ever felt absolutely, positively no regrets about was being a father. Makes everything I thought was important seem small and inconsequential. Hopefully I'm a good one.

I snubbish you Valor James Lankton!